And they lived "happily ever after".
That's how every romance story ends, right? And that's how I wanted to end mine, too. But maybe God had something else in mind, so he gave me the worst gift of my life. A married life, with someone I don't connect with, and at a moment when I'm not even mentally prepared to tie up in a knot. But does that bother anyone? I guess no; it's just me and my feelings against the world, as they have always been.
One year ago, I got married to a person my parents chose for me. After telling them thousands of times that I was not ready for this big step, which they didn't listen to, they forced me to get married. And just because I loved them too much and I didn't dare to fight back at that time, I had to obey their order and sacrifice my whole life to an unknown person. And now, after all these months of married life, I'm living exactly like I imagined I would. Disconnected with my husband, not in contact with my parents, as I was the one who wanted to stay apart in the first place after they decided to just throw me into the deep water. The only two things that are good in my life right now are my job, which pays me well & a getaway from all my problems, and Vansh, the man I met more than 1.5 years ago. I love him too much that it hurts sometimes, and he does too. But again, fate was never on my side ever. But we are still in contact, and we care about each other so much that sometimes it's difficult to accept that he is not the one I'm sharing my life with. So here I am, living a life I never wanted for myself like a robot.
__
"The food is ready, and I'll be late tonight, so don't wait up for me," I said to Deepak, my husband, as I left the house for the office like every other day. It might sound like I'm an emotionless bitch who doesn't talk to her husband in a good way, but for my rescue, I have tried. A lot even. I have tried to feel something for him in me, but every time it ended up being a disaster, which reminds me every time that the choices of my life have always been made by others.
My daily routine is quite simple. Wake up in the morning at around 7, make breakfast for both of us, leave for the office, work till 5, then maybe go to a place somewhere secluded, or just get back in the house to dine alone. In the meantime, the only thing that keeps me going is talking to that one person who made me feel loved and heard. And somewhere, I look forward to having those moments every day.
It's around 10 in the morning when I get to my workplace. As per the schedule, I have a meeting this morning with a renowned author for his new manuscript. He is one of my favorite authors, so I always thought of meeting him one day, but never in my life did I imagine that day would be when I am going to be a part of his publishing journey.
Mr. Manik Chatterjee, a romantic-thriller writer and a screenwriter, is such a polite person that everyone would admire him from the first meeting itself. The way he is talking to us feels like a family member rather than someone here for business. "Take your time. This book, for me, contains the best story I've written so far. So I don't want to rush with it, and be careful with each step. It's my first time working with you, and I'm trusting you with this", he said while signing the contract.
It will be my responsibility as an editorial team member to read his manuscript first. And I will try to make the most of it. However, I am currently working on another novel, so I can't really put that one down to read anything more interesting. But tonight, I believe I can bring it to my house. Also, add to the fact that I'm kind of a loner in my own house, so this can be a good distraction for tonight.
__
It's midnight when I finally got time to read the manuscript. I didn't know what I was expecting, but I surely was not expecting that somewhere, this story is going to reflect my life to some extent. Why does it remind me of the time I met Vansh? Why do most of the moments described in the story seem like my own memories? Is it just a mere coincidence? Or does this book want to tell me something?
Note to self: Check with Mr. Chatterjee about the storyline and where he got the inspiration.
The feeling that the story is trying to tell me something is growing as I read it. But I can't really put a finger on it. I'm also finding the female protagonist quite strong, independent, and impressive, as she is making every decision of her life so daringly, even after getting mentally tortured by everyone. I wanted to be that exact kind of person in my life who would make decisions for herself and not someone else. But see.. fate..!
It's almost 3 a.m. when I've completed reading the story. I didn't read the story as an editor, but as a reader who is much more interested in knowing the ending rather than finding the loopholes. And after completing it, I finally got my answer to that one single question that's been nagging me since the beginning. This story is not my story. But somewhere this story is encouraging me to find the strength in myself and stand for myself against the world. Which led me to my next question: how would I do that? After all these years of being the submissive one, how would I be able to pull the strings of my life by myself?
__
It's been 3 days since I've read that manuscript. It's not like after the first read, I haven't picked it up again for work, but every time I read it, the sense of doing something for myself gets even more intense. The problem is, I don't know how I would do that. And more over, now that every important decision in my life has been made by others, I highly doubt my capability of making the right decision for myself. One of the most important things for me was getting into a marriage of my choice, and my family took that away. I have a job that I love, so other than having babies, there is nothing I could really want at the moment. And I'm not ready to take responsibility for babies. not to mention, I don't want to co-parent a baby with the person I don't love.
"Knock knock, you there?" Just when I was about to start working again after lunch, I got a notification on my phone. It's Vansh. The good thing about Vansh is that he always checks on me in his busy schedule. These little gestures make me fall in love with him even more.
"I am. How are you? How's work going?"
"I'm great. You know! I made the biggest deal of this year so far, and quite excited to start this project. Want to meet someday to celebrate?"
"Congratulations! And only if I could meet you. You know it's not possible, but still you have to ask it just to tease me?"
"Hey, no! I'm serious. I'm coming to Chennai for some work next week, so if you want, we can definitely meet. Bring your husband with you, too. I'm sure we would have fun."
"Oh! That's great. Yes, I would love to meet you, but not with my husband, please. You know we don't go along since the beginning. Keep me updated about your arrival, and we'll definitely meet."
Even after knowing that nothing would happen between us, I still cannot stop myself from hoping that maybe someday or in some other life, I'll be in his arms again. And with that hope, I won't mind waiting another week for him to embrace me like a child, as he always does.
__
It feels like I'm going on a date. Except it's NOT a date, just a reunion with my dearest and only friend. Deepak doesn't really question me anymore about my whereabouts, so after informing him about the night out with my friend, I left the house at around 6 in the evening to meet Vansh. He said he'll be waiting for me at the 'Aroma: The Diner'.
He was on his phone when I reached the diner. His appearance has changed a lot since I last saw him. It's evident that he is going to the gym nowadays. I think he finally listened to me after all these years. The moment our eyes met, it felt like I had everything I wanted. And at that very moment, I realized that there is one thing that I still want in my life, and no matter how hard I try, I'll never get it. It's him... us. And if only I could have a chance to choose whoever I want to spend my life with, I would always choose him. Vansh, the person who made me believe that fictional love does exist with all its real-life problems.
When we got closer, he quickly embraced me like he had been craving this for ages. And surprisingly, it lasted much longer than it should. But those few seconds (or maybe minutes) were everything I was looking for all this time.
"God! You have no idea, Red, how badly I wanted to hug you for a long time. I missed you so much."
"I missed you, too. It feels like I finally got what I wanted. Maybe just for a few hours, but I got it anyway, and that's enough."
While talking to him about our lives, I don't know what got into me, I rented a bike for him to drive while I'll be his passenger princess, just like old times. I don't know where we'll go, but that's what I wanted. To live in the moment. We like to explore new places together, and that's what brings us closer. And just like that, we found a spot near the river where it seems like nobody visits often. You know the places only a few people are aware of? This place seems like that. And the fact that from now on it's going to be my favorite place is another thing to note.
They say silence with the right person feels like a comfort zone. And that's what I'm feeling right now after being with him for hours, and talking to him about anything and everything. The silence embraced us like a thread of love from which we both know we cannot go anywhere. And at that moment, all I wanted was to kiss the person sitting beside me. But the fact that I'm married is what restricts me. At one point, Vansh also wanted to kiss me the same way I did, but as he is so good at controlling his urges, he controlled himself better than me today. And I think that's for the best.
"So, when are you leaving for Mumbai?" I asked him to change the topic.
"Not until next week. I have a few things to wrap up here."
A week, that's certainly not enough time for me to be with him. But again, he is not here for me only. "Okay, great. Let me know if you are free to meet again before you leave. I'd love to spend all the time I can with you."
We called it a night when we both got tired of restricting ourselves from each other just for the sake of society. It felt so exhausting to control the urges and go back to our separate lives. But is that enough for me to stop thinking what could've gone right if only I stayed with him rather than being here? No.
__
It's been a couple of days since we met. Although we have talked a bit over chat, the feeling of missing out on an opportunity is not leaving my body. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this all of a sudden, but I'm quite sure that it cannot only be for Vansh. It's right that I would still choose a life with him rather than being here, but I also know that now I don't have the option to choose that life anymore. So why is it nagging me so much?
As I'm not feeling like taking my lunch to the office today, I think it would be better for me to go somewhere nice just to change the atmosphere. Just when I reached the nearest cafe, I got a call from Vansh. Which is, by the way, quite unusual as we don't really call each other.
"Hey, everything all right?" I asked with genuine concern in my voice.
"Yes, everything's fine. Listen, I'm free for the whole day today, and I'm hoping you are also done with half of the day, so I'm giving you 30 minutes to wrap up and leave your office. We are going out. And I'm not making a request here, I'm simply giving you an order, Red, so do not try to negotiate. Bye." Woah, that was fast and precise. Although I don't like to take orders in cases like this, but I think I can make an exception for him.
As per his words, exactly after 30 minutes, when I had just cleaned up my desk, I got a text from Vansh that he was here, and I should meet him in the lobby. Like a good girl, I came to the lobby to find him looking devastatingly handsome in his black shirt and trousers. God! When did he get so handsome? And more surprisingly, how? I can't hide my smile when his eyes met mine. "So, where are we going?"
"That's a surprise," he told me, taking my hand in his where it belongs.
Next I know, we are on a bike, rented by him. I don't know where he is taking me, but the scenario on the sidewalk is beautiful here. I didn't even know that this part of town existed in Chennai. What is it about the guys and the roads? It's like they know every corner of this world, even if they never went there before.
After 40 minutes of driving through nowhere, we finally got to our location. The surroundings here are breathtaking and remind me of our first date. We went on a ride without planning anything, and in the end, we found ourselves in a beautiful place where the river meets the mountain, and rented a boat to ride there. Today, seeing what is in front of me brings back those memories. Except here is no mountain to make it more beautiful, and the water is clearer than I've ever seen.
"Let's go, I've already booked us a boat and a stay on the island for a few hours," Vansh said, excitement evident in his voice.
"Island? God! How did you even get to know about this place? I'm sure it is not listed in Google, because I've already checked for places like this."
"No, baby, you need to make connections to know the hidden gems. Which you should know I'm good at." That's true. He is good at connecting with people. And surprisingly, every stranger he talks to in his daily life seems to enjoy his company.
We went to the island on the boat, and trust me when I say this is the most beautiful scene I've ever seen. He already ordered food, which was arranged inside the hut that was given to us. The surroundings made me feel like I deserve the world. And that feeling was everything for me to realize what I can still have in my life, if only I just stand up for myself now.
"Vansh, tell me honestly, why did you bring me here?"
"I don't know, Issue, I just felt like going somewhere with you before I leave. And knowing that you like these kinds of places, I had to book it for us. Trust me when I say it's not a date, because I know you are fucking married now." His voice is coated with pain, although I can feel that he is trying so hard not to let it show.
"I know. What I don't know is why I'm feeling like there is something I'm doing wrong with my life, and there is still time to rectify that."
"Issue, you know, you should try to live a little. All this marriage thing has changed you as a person. I CAN feel that, although I know you don't want to let it show, but God, I love you so much to ignore this."
"But how? It's like when you are around, that is the only time I get to live my life like I wanted to. When you are not, it's so dull and mechanical that sometime I feel like a fucking robot. And I don't know how to change that. I feel like there's nothing to change now that my life is stuck in a loop forever." I feel like crying my heart out. But maybe that's because I've been in denial for a long time, which made it much harder to confess today.
He took my face between his palms and tilted it just to an angle where I'll be able to meet his eyes without straining my neck (God, his height sometimes creates a huge problem, although it is quite attractive to be honest). "Red, you know yourself more than you admit. And you know this too, that you are still able to change your life just the way you like it to be changed. You just need to find the strength in yourself to do that. And you know I'm always here by your side to provide you with everything you want and within my capability, that is, of course. Do not let anyone, even yourself, tell you otherwise. You've cut all the ties with your parents because you knew they made the wrong decision for your life. And trust me, that shit takes courage, and they should know what they did was wrong, and after all you've been through, if you choose not to stay in contact with them, that's totally up to you. And just like that, I know you'll choose what is good for your future. Just know that whatever you decide, I'll be here for you. Always."
And then I realized that maybe I don't know what the future holds for me. But what I know is that I would make the right decision for myself from now on, and I would not give the right to make decisions for me anymore to someone else.
__
Vansh left Chennai a week later. And here I am again, all alone in my daily life, living like a robot. But the feeling of doing something for my own is still there for me to follow and act on it. But what do you do when you find yourself in a position where you cannot change what is already done? What should I do that'll make me feel alive again? And another problem is that I know whatever I would like to do for myself, being here in Chennai, would not be enough. Nothing would make me feel in control. Except.... a bike.... yes.. I would buy a bike for myself to escape reality whenever I want.
That evening, I went to the showroom and bought myself that one thing I had always wanted since childhood. That's the beauty of having money of your own. You don't need others' permission to act on anything. And the fact that you don't need to justify buying anything to anyone adds to it.
After that day, my bike became my escape. I took so many night rides (not late night though, as I hate to admit, but I'm still a wife of some guy). But today, when I felt lost, I decided I should go to the place where Vansh and I visited the last time.
When I got to the island and had my lunch there, I felt so tired of life. And that's when I got this idea to run away from all this shit. I mean, I know it's absurd. Like if I actually run away from this, everyone would be searching for me, and there is always a chance of getting caught, and all of this can go in the wrong direction. But I feel like my life has already gone through tough shit, and it is already in it's worse phase. So what else can go wrong? My family? Well, we are already not in contact, so it doesn't really matter now what they think of me anymore. My husband? Yes, that I know would be a problem. Because I hate to admit it, but he would be searching for his wife nonetheless. My job? Well, I do have enough savings, which should be enough for a few months, and after that, I will eventually have to join another job, though, which I'll happily do. So the fact that nothing is there to hold me back now is reassuring.
While coming back to the house, I can't stop thinking about the plan. So if I plan to execute it, two things can happen. One, the plan can turn out to be the best decision of my life, or two, it can create a big mess. Now the question is, am I ready to take the chance?
__
After thinking about the pros and cons, I finally decided, now that I don't have much to lose, I would take the chance to see if I really deserve to live the life I wanted for myself. So here I am, taking all the essentials with me to the office. Yes, I am planning to run away today itself. I don't know if I'm making the right choice here, but what I know is that I want to take the chance and try to be happy in life the way I wanted to. The thing I don't have planned is where I am going to go and how. I mean, I can't possibly take my bike as I'm trying to make it seem like an abduction rather than a runaway. And to make that happen, I have to let go of most of my belongings and travel via public transport.
As if I'm on autopilot mode, I found myself disposing all of my digital belongings and buying a second-hand phone with a pre-loaded SIM in it. Then, as if on cue, I'm at Chennai airport. Without thinking, I booked a direct flight to Mumbai. The flight leaves at 3 in the afternoon, and I would be there at around 5 in the evening. And hopefully to my destination by 6 or 7. I'm quite sure by the time Deepak and others realize that I'm missing, I'll be gone from their lives.
The 2-hour flight was anything but calming. The adrenaline rush and fear of getting caught were enough for me to back off at the last minute. But the good thing is I did not second-guess my decision and kept moving forward. And now, here I am, at Mumbai airport, waiting for my cab, which will take me straight to Vansh's house.
"Issue, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Vansh was dumbstruck when he found me on his doorstep out of nowhere.
"Can I come in first, please?"
After I settled down and got changed into something comfy, I explained to him about everything that was going on since he left. And why I decided to leave my life behind and just get away from all those things that I never wanted to have.
"But you could've applied for a divorce, you know, rather than taking all the risk".
"True, but that would make the society look at my family with bitterness in their eyes, like they've committed some crime. And also, if I were to sue my husband for a divorce, I would have to give a lot of explanations to a lot of people, and I'm quite sure nobody would understand why I want this, or better to say, NEED this. So I just skipped all that drama and decided to run away at the first chance I get."
After listening to everything I had to say, Vansh asked, "So, now? What's the plan? Where are we going?"
"Not you. Me alone. Before you tell me anything, I just want you to know that I need some time alone to figure out my next move. And all this has been done in a rush, so I'm still not sure if what I've done is not going to backfire on me in any way. I just wanted to meet you to tell you about this. Now, Vansh, please don't insist on coming with me, as I'm going to get away to somewhere secluded for the next few days, and I'm going to need your bike for that matter. So rest assured that I will come back soon."
The next day, I went on my way to the mountains on his bike. Yes, he decided to trust me that I will come back and I can handle myself. And that's what I needed from the people around me. Except I only got it from that one person who changed me in so many ways. The days I was alone, I realized that maybe the things I did to get back my life were not appropriate, but if I had not taken this chance, I would've never gotten to see the world. What I'm going to do next, I'm still not sure of. But what I know is that from now on, whatever I do, I have to take the whole responsibility for it. And to be honest, I am ready for that. And add to the fact that I got the person who trusts me enough to let me go, it is more than reassuring for me.
I also realized that this decision I made is not because I wanted to live with someone I love. Even if he doesn't agree to be tied up with all my messes, I know that I would want this for myself. To have control over my life. Maybe for some days it would be a little difficult, but eventually I would start enjoying it. I would start cherishing my life again. I would start living just the way I wanted to. With a job that I love, with the person who would treat me like the center of his universe and in a city where no one would give a shit about any of my choices or my past and accept me just the way I am, and finally, I can build a home for myself.
Maybe my happily ever after was never meant to be a romantic one. But it was meant to be with myself taking control over my life and creating a fictional world for myself that I always wanted.
React
