A night so quiet, yet loomed inside me the threads I failed to untangle. Words build up, but what curse was it that choked me? How could one feel oceans yet speak drops? Ain't it funny, how the more you fall deeper, you are no longer scared of what you used to fear. You just hope that when you hit the ground, it takes you softly. This night could be the night that I hit the ground. Goodbyes would have helped, but I ain’t no evil and no one ain’t stronger. The moon might shine forever, but we do not. There is always a day when everything goes dark. Nothing would feel worthy of breathing for, nobody would be worth smiling for. They say smiling is easy, but every time I force those wounded lips of mine to move, it shakes, it shatters. It’s not easy; if only it had been, I would’ve pretended longer. Maybe I’m just bad at it. Life never felt worth fighting for. I had always been on the other side of the door, hoping one day I could open it, but life lied. I was standing in front of a wall all along. Before I fall, I just want to talk. Talk about everything that a lifetime holds, talk about what my words betrayed me with, talk about what I could no longer hold. For once in life, I wanted to talk without having to think, because to think before taking is a gift, but to overthink is a cursed prison you put your heart and soul in.
My knees fell, trembling. It took me moments to feel the first drop of tears. And then, I heard it. The sound of my bell ringing. That was odd. Nobody ever comes for me. Who could that be?
Shinning eyes, charming smile and a gleaming glare was the man standing at my doorstep. Drenched in rain seeking accommodation. Spots of blood underneath his nails. Stories spin in the darkest alleys they say. I let him in. He walked in and took a deep breath, handed me his coat and strolled to my kitchen.
“You’ve got no beer”, he asked holding the fridge door open. It was rather a disappointed statement that a question. He picked up on a glass of water and turned to me.
“Who are you?” I ask. He walks to my room and sits on the bed.
I look around for something I could grasp. But what I know is that I’d never stab.
“Is your room always this messy?” he asked.
“I asked, Who are you?” I repeated loudly, my tears lay dry under my eyes.
“You should know that. You let me in,” he says, looking deep into my eyes.
That stare, that tumbled something in me. Something I knew was buried deeper. I did, didn’t I? I had let him in, with all my will. My heart couldn’t ask him to leave.
“You know you can’t shove me away”, he said as if he could read me from within.
“You need me, you called for me, and you missed me”, he said softly.
“I… I don’t even know you” I stay there, no more looking for anything to grip.
“And that’s why you need me. You wanted someone who could listen to you letting yourself go. I’m someone you don’t know, and there’s nothing for you to hide. You can be all of who you are because we may not even meet again.”
He walked towards me, his eyes fixed on mine. He moves slowly letting me think of all but wanting him to leave. “I’ll be your ears. If silence is what could heal you”, he whispered quietly into my ears.
He held his hands towards me. What would I do? Never once in life have people lent me their hand. I took it, even though every human in this world would tell me it's dangerous. What choice did I have? Aren’t we all humans? Don’t we all need a shoulder to rest on? He walked me to the corner of my bed. He sat and patted the sheet next to him. The next moment, I was sitting next to him. He pulled my head to his shoulder. Suddenly, all the words in me disappeared. Now, I only want to stay. Stay, letting all that pain sink under the comfort of his shoulders. Is this how it feels to have someone? An arm to sleep into. Stepping into his arms, time froze. What I felt didn’t matter anymore, because what is left to hold. I cuddle against him, he rests his arms on me. He strokes my skin, and all those scars disappear. My room is no longer dead. In this dark night, I felt my heart shine for the first time. Isn’t that simple after all? Just one person to hold you when you no longer have the strength to lift your bones. A simple hug and touch would make it all breathe against all the agony. It feels like floating in the air, it was all weightless. My body and mind felt light.
What if he stays? I turn to him on his lap. He strokes my hair and smiles at me. After a sea of days, I found myself smiling, and this time, it wasn’t hard. “Will you stay?” I ask.
He looks into my eyes, he smiles and says, “Every human born has destiny by their side. Some may like it and some may not. But destiny always finds them. Life can feel not worth fighting for, but living is the prize. The moment you lose interest in that prize, you lose all that is within you. I could call life unfair, but life is beautiful the way it is. To you, life might not have granted wishes, but it did now.”
“So are you staying?”
“Do you remember?, You said, if you're going to hit the ground, you hope you land softly. When the end finds you, you want it to dance with you and carry you away. That’s what life has granted you.”
I stare at him as he strokes his hands along my skin and stops at my wrist. Blood. I see blood dripping on my sheets. I take a minute, or a second, I don’t know. I then look at him.
“If you are DEATH, I’d be happy to spend my last minutes with you. As you said, life is as beautiful as it is, but there are people like me. For us, death is the ultimate beauty. And now I know, that’s why I let you in. Because I knew that one day death would come for me and I’d be happy to let him in.”
I smile, and his stare stays on me. In that moment, I knew life ended. I didn’t know if he was real, but if he was. I’m so happy I let him take my life away dancing. Now, I can sleep peacefully FOREVER.
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