The fresh petrichor in the air felt like a soothing balm after a brutal summer. Kaveri sipped some lemon tea at room temperature gazing at the distant palm trees. The small town of Pollachi seemed like a distant dream and there were a lot of mental and physical hurdles when she broached the subject of moving here. After leaving Chicago, she landed in her home-city to take a breather and move forward. However the four months back in Chennai was unsparing even if the city had been her home since birth.
“Kaveri, you might catch a cold. Step inside the house.” Her mother Geetha advised as she turned around to give a smirk.
“Amma, I moved here to enjoy this weather.” Kaveri retorted as her mom sighed.
“I know its the reason you give to the world but I know better. Who said going back is a bad thing?” Her mom cheered her up as memories from the last 2 years flashed in her head. Its the same order of events and they all ended in the nightmarish scream locked up in her heart. Kaveri knew her mother was not talking about moving back to Chennai. It was indeed about her return from Chicago.
In a true dreamer fashion, she had made a pact with her high school bench-mates to pursue higher studies in USA. Even if she lost touch with them, her dream only grew stronger. She loved her country and hoped to return one day with the knowledge of the western world and seed money for a business or her own farm. Like a lot of kids her age, she had never been exposed to a different environment hence the chances to foster her independent personality were zero. This added the allure of seeking a haven outside of her usual stomping grounds. After finishing her bachelors in economics and gaining enough work experience, she was able to apply for a masters degree in a prominent college in Chicago. Even when she was in her second year, Kaveri did not anticipate the treacherous path ahead.
“I know ma and thank you for understanding that I need a blank slate to reinvent myself.” Kaveri expressed with gratitude and her mother smiled then left after kissing Kaveri’s cheek. She finished her tea and sat on the chair in the balcony overlooking the trees.
Her laptop powered up from sleep just like her senses. For the first two months back in Chennai, everything felt like a sharp stab to her psyche. Everywhere she turned, she was met with criticism and unwanted suggestions crossing several boundaries. Things came to a head when her neighbor suggested she should have snagged a citizen who worked in the same office as her. Every single one of her relatives who visited to get the goodies she bought at the last minute, offered some crap suggestion to get back to America. No one understood the pains she felt to accept this decision and the efforts she had been putting into reviving her self-confidence.
When she started her internship, her doe eyed observation on the American work environment swayed her. Apart from doing her job, she helped out a pregnant coworker Maya who was new as well. Maya shared that the early stages of pregnancy were making some data analysis stuff harder and Kaveri thought it was the best she could do for a fellow woman. However when the time came for her supervisor to make a decision and offer a job, none of her efforts or kindness mattered in that cut throat world. Her dream journey ended rather unceremoniously and her extended family, friends as well as old colleagues were witness to the sudden change. Since she could not cut off the ties, she had to post a couple vapid things about leaving the company and going home. She took a deep breath to clear those thoughts away and calm her mind.
In retrospect, she needed to put herself in the harsh environment of Chicago to learn a lot of life lessons. That included her realization about the type of partner she wanted beside her. At the age of 18, she barely had any idea about a relationship but she had a huge crush on one of her classmates. Amarnath Ravi crossed paths with her when she was in 10th grade and until last month he was on her mind. None of her friends knew about her crush even if the secret was too juicy to bare. Her crush was briefly paused when she met Veera in Chicago but he turned out to be a bigger mess. She shook her head and opened up her document and started typing in it.
As soon as she moved to this new house in Pollachi, her wounds started closing up. She used to enter Tamil poetry competitions in school but the habit got lost in the usual hustle of board exams and universities. Two nights ago, she thought about a few verses celebrating the beauty of moon. She typed it up first then wrote a second verse chiding the human nature that considered celestial things ordinary. She was unable to write a third verse, so Kaveri helped her mother with some chores and shared lunch.
Her mom and dad used to work in an accounting firm together but they quit their job last year since they found a way to get the income through renting three apartments. One of them was from Kaveri’s grandparents and the other two were purchased by her parents. Her father left to visit the post office to finalize somethings and her mind unpaused the rumination about the circumstances.
Kaveri knew that she was not a financial burden on her parents but the people around her had a field day making jokes out of her life. All of the passive aggressive comments and the temptations about a life that was not real vanished when she deleted her social media profile a month ago. Her primary reason was embarrassment but Kaveri also wanted to stay true to her new traits. Her school mates and people from the University kept posting about their awesome lives. She had been inside one of the photo ops while studying and she knew they were living just for the social media. Furthermore, she lost the tolerance for the pointy comments from her bench mates who now lived in Arizona and the Bay Area as well as her colleagues from the old office.
“Kannu…I just had an interesting conversation with your aunt. She says you are no longer your cousin Mohan’s friend on social media. Did something happen?” Her mom asked taking the seat opposite to her on the balcony. She sighed putting her tongue in cheek thinking of a lie. The truth sounded stupid and petty but she liked the ending which kept her resolve.
“I…umm…I deleted my profile. Unfortunately everyone on the platform reminded me of the things that went wrong in my life even if those events taught me a lesson and they no longer make me feel sad. I figured that if I have to really move on then I have to shed the bad things in my past.” She answered with a part of the reason and her mom smirked shaking her head.
“As a parent I am relieved because I hear all these awful things about cyber crimes but as your friend I am concerned about you letting go of everyone from your past. Either way…I am glad you are no longer staring the wall and I am here for you if you need to talk.” Her mom encouraged her and she smiled with a nod.
Kaveri turned on her phone and looked at her digital journal. The day she decided to delete the social media profile was the last entry there. A couple days after landing in Chennai, the name of her crush showed up in a reunion photo tag. All her sadness of leaving Chicago whooshed out getting replaced with hope and excitement. The words still cut her skin deep even if they were on the screen.
‘It finally happened. The moment I had been waiting for over a decade. Amarnath has officially become my friend on social media. It was going well and he even recognized me. We talked about his tech job and my brief internship in Chicago as well as the return. Then the whole thing went down the drain and the most awful thing happened. I revealed one of my personal conundrums about friends being untrustworthy in response to a random question about Chicago universities. Now Amar has not said anything even if he is interacting with others and reacting to other posts. The least he could have said is okay but apparently I am too uncool for him. Maybe this is a sign for to let go of the past. ’ She blinked looking at the last full stop in the journal and reliving the faux pas was not as bad as feeling the betrayal the first time.
Kaveri was able to keep up a promise she had made to her younger self because of that horrible event.
Amidst the chaos caused by her relatives, Kaveri had deleted most of her social media life. In a way, it was the first clean slate then came the move to Pollachi where none of the toxicity from Chennai or Chicago followed.
With the newfound relief, Kaveri decided to stop moping and really step into the ring with life on her own terms. She searched for a Python programming class since it was a skill needed for a lot of jobs in her field. After enrolling in it, she bought a digital pencil to be able to pen down her poetry in Tamil directly on her tablet. As Ariana Grande’s ‘7 rings’ played in her head, her attitude towards the future changed.
****
Kaveri shaded her eyes from the bright sky and wondered if she still needed an umbrella to go to her programming class. She thought it was better to be safe than sorry and tucked the umbrella inside her bag. She hopped on the bus to her class. The new programming class was not as interesting as she thought it would be but none of them knew about her stint in USA. During that day, the class was extra long since she could not finish compiling the code.
She left with another friend of hers Anusha who also had trouble completing the assignment. Anusha was getting prepped to rejoin the workforce after her first baby hence she was updating her skills. This time around Kaveri made up her mind to be helpful but not at the cost of her self development. The bright skies were replaced with the temperamental grey clouds. She waved at Anusha after exchanging numbers to talk about the assignment that was due next week. Before she could step out of the building, the rain started pouring heavily. Anusha had already left in her car and she decided not to take the bus when it was raining like this. The roads got messier and the path to her house would be bumpy. Her dad texted that he would drive over to pick her up in his car, so she waited near the building entrance under the shade.
She heard a few male voices and tried to make a decision about moving somewhere else since they may want to smoke. To her surprise, they were just sipping tea and talking about some weekend plans. She heard the faint enunciation of the word ‘Amar’ and wondered if her ear was playing tricks on her brain. Kaveri thought it was almost impossible for anyone from her past to be in this small town. Her eyes widened as she turned around to see that one of the guys sipping tea was none other than her high school crush who broke her heart by just his silence. ‘Why is he here? What the hell is happening? Or did I get struck by lightening and travelled to a parallel Universe’ Her head buzzed with the questions as she slowly hid herself behind a pillar. However if Amar paid attention for one second, she would be caught.
“Kaveri, is that you?” She heard her name in his voice and her teenage self was rejoicing as the rest of her brain was scrambling for a response. She wanted to feign ignorance but at the same time she did not want to be a coward.
“Hi…Amar.” Kaveri responded walking to stand in front of Amarnath and the other guy. The coaching class must have had other employees teaching different classes and she could not fathom how Amar ended up here. Her artistic side was writing a poem verse that said the rain was like a beacon bringing back a good thing but her brain knew people like Amar do not have an ounce of sympathy or compassion.
“This is definitely a surprise… Gopi …Kaveri is my classmate from high school who just returned from Chicago.” Amarnath introduced her to the other guy and she gritted her teeth. She merely waved at Gopi and tried to think of a way to stop Amar sharing about her past to strangers.
“Oh wow…Are you visiting family and then returning to America?” Gopi inquired as she controlled her eye roll.
“I do not have any solid plans now.” She answered vaguely and Gopi nodded with a smile. Kaveri decided that the onslaught of the rain was better than facing her crush and get her past rehashed by people who did not understand personal boundaries. She looked at her phone then back at the two guys.
“That was my dad…he is close by. It was nice meeting both of you. Bye.” She bid goodbye and pulled up her umbrella. She heard her mother’s voice that it was dangerous to walk on waterlogged roads but at the moment leaving seemed like a wise choice.
“Kaveri…hold on. Why don’t you wait here?” She heard someone call out as her eyes widened at the water that reached her calves. Don’t be fooled Kaveri…he does not care about you and he does not have to Her inner voice screamed before she turned around to wait inside the building. She took a deep breath and walked back the few steps she took to literally turn her back on the reminder of her past. Gopi walked inside after giving her a weird look and she noticed Amar’s eyes were on her. Kaveri gave a small smile and closed up her umbrella cursing her stupid choice to step outside.
“Did I say something wrong? You bolted out of here like a bullet.” Amarnath asked sauntering close to her. This was her second conversation in person for all the years she had known Amarnath. They spoke once after accounting exam in grade 11. Her joy that day knew no bounds and that teenager would not have believed Amar would ever leave the conversation on ‘READ’ for days.
“Pish posh….I was eager to get home. I just remembered I forgot to turn off my charger.” Kaveri blurted the first thing that came to her mind and Amar raised an eyebrow calling out her lie silently. ‘Well…he is the first one to bolt out of the difficult conversation’ Her inner voice reminded and she put on a braver face.
“We both know that was a lie. I was just taken aback seeing you here of all places. My analysis company sent me here to conduct a boot camp and probably recruit someone. I…I was actually trying to contact you but for some reason I could not find your digital whereabouts.” Amarnath conversed as the rain poured harder.
“I decided to take a social media hiatus and move on to a better life.” She responded confidently and folded her hands trying to hold back her glare.
“Is this about our chat? I…I swear I was searching for something meaningful to say and I…I was not sure why you trusted me. Then my best friend and our classmate Tharun tells me that you used to have a crush on me.” Amar prodded and she was flabbergasted. I thought my glances were subtle and I never ever mentioned anything to anyone Kaveri mused and once again she was being whiplashed by her past. Her temper got the better of her and she interrupted Amar’s next word.
“I think Tharun is misinformed and I am disappointed that you did not know conversation etiquette or have an iota of sympathy. Now you broadcasted that I used to be in Chicago. So far…today sucks thanks to you.” She retorted holding back from saying the word ‘loser’.
“Wow…you used to be so quiet in school and I…I did not expect this from you. Whatever happened to conversation etiquette now?” Amar snorted and she controlled her eye roll.
“What do you want Amarnath? I am sure your company does not pay you to waste time admonishing me.” Kaveri countered his hostility but her insides were slowly dissolving in a goop of mud. The last thing she wanted was an argument with a stranger. The angst she had locked up while moving here was spilling and it was taking shots at anything moving in front of her.
To her relief, she heard a car honk and it was her dad. She did not say anything further and stepped out with her umbrella. Kaveri wanted to erase the whole day but time did not work like that. She made some small talk with her dad on the way however she dreaded stepping back into the coaching class. She did not want to waste the money paid for the course but at the same time she did not feel like getting clobbered by her past.
Kaveri could not sleep that night and kept wondering about ways Tharun could have figured out her secret crush. On top of that, she was worried if Gopi would publicize her past to everyone in that building. The next morning she woke early and prayed for God to give her the strength to get out of this pickle in one piece. Her dad opted to drop her off today as well and she vowed to stay calm like the deep sea. Her class that day was not as difficult and she was preparing to leave with Anusha trotting beside her talking about cooking dinner. Her heart stopped as she noticed Amar sitting in the lobby and she excused herself to face the music.
“Hi…I am sorry that I snapped yesterday and I hope you successfully finish up your bootcamp.” Kaveri apologized meeting Amar’s eyes.
“I was not prepared to hear that but you mam…You are an enigma. I was hoping to apologize for my rudeness and also speaking out of turn with Gopi.” Amar expressed regret and the butterflies started fluttering in her head. ‘Could this be the moment Amar professes his crush on me’ Her inner voice mused. She could not do anything but nod at Amarnath’s invitation to share coffee in a nearby cafe. She could not control her shy smile as they walked towards the exit.
If this had been a Tamil movie, she would have burst into song with backup dancers. Amarnath was talking about his life since leaving high school and she chimed with information of her own omitting the painful parts. Amar even paid the bill and her heart was beating a million times a minute anticipating the glorious words that might come out of Amarnath’s mouth.
“I know its weird and what not…I…Can I ask you something personal?” Amarnath asked sincerely meeting her eyes and she just nodded.
“Can I get the name of the agency you used to apply for the US visa? I did not have any luck in scheduling appointments and people say its easier using an agency or service.” Amar dropped the metaphorical bomb and she stopped in her steps. ‘All the smiles and apology and even this coffee was selfish…blast from the past my ass’ Her inner voice lamented as the bubble popped.
“I did not use an agency and my uncle’s friend who lives in Boston helped me to apply. I am sorry I could not be of more help.” She answered controlling the tremors in her voice.
“Ah I see…Gopi and I are planning on trying our luck to go to the States but getting an onsite opportunity from our company seemed like a hassle. Can I get your number in case I have any questions?” Amar revealed and she nodded giving her phone number.
As she walked to the bus stop that day, the muck from the rains a day earlier reflected her mindset. The next two weeks passed and Amar did not try to meet her again or say goodbye when he left the city. Even if the past memories momentarily soothed her it turned around and pushed the pieces of her life back to the ground like dominoes. Her mother noticed that she had been down in the dumps.
“Kaveri…as a woman who has lived the better part of her life in a cut throat world…I can say one thing that I keep close in my head. Never judge a book by its cover…Whether its good or bad. I do not know exactly what got you down again but I am confident that you will emerge victoriously out of this adversity too. Taking chances and rolling with the punches is a big part of growing up but it does not feel as exciting as the things you see on the silver screen.” Kaveri’s mother explained. She nodded thanking her mother and every time she recalled the words more lucidity settled around her.
Kaveri realized that once again life had taught her a lesson but this time she did not feel the betrayal. Instead the whole experience added clarity and it even encouraged her to fully pen down her first big poem. The day her poem got published in a local e-magazine her euphoria shot through the roof. Part of the reason for her elation was coming to terms with her expectation and letting go of the insecurities created by the past.
****
Kaveri faced her fears and got on a plane to a completely new country three years ago. Now those experiences shaped the confident responsible person standing on the stage enunciating the words from her second published poem. Even if her relatives or her parents’s friends might say poetry is a useless hobby the creativity fuelled her soul.
Last year, she had moved to Pollachi after trying to run away from her past mistakes. She trusted someone solely based on her interactions in high school and when it fell flat her whole self cocooned into a shell for a brief time. However she had the strong belief that everything happened for a reason. Kaveri shook hands with people who congratulated after she got down from the stage and her parents were beaming at her proudly.
She had travelled to Gandhipuram for attending a school function. It seemed the school’s principal liked her optimistic take on events and her message in the poem had resonated with some teenagers. Despite the poetry recitation being a small event, the joy she felt knew no bounds. To be able to inspire and connect with like minded people kept her morale up. She was finally able to embrace her passion while enjoying her life in Pollachi.
She was driving back home with her parents and they stopped to eat at a famous restaurant. The animated conversation at the table about cakes reminded Kaveri of the type of family bond she wished to have all her life. The break from the city improved her relationship with her parents and life in general changed in a good way. She was standing at the pastry case trying to make a choice as her parents were standing nearby talking to another couple who were asking for directions to Ooty.
“Hello Kaveri.” She heard her name in a familiar voice and her eyes flitted from the chocolate cake landing on chocolate brown eyes.
“Oh my…hi Suraj. When did you come to India?” Kaveri greeted her friend from Chicago who volunteered in the same charity as her.
“I flew here for my friend’s wedding and I saw you near the cakes but I forgot your name. Remember the ‘shine a light’ fundraiser? We had a lot of leftover cake and I recognized you. A sweet serendipitous meeting ha?” Suraj explained with a shy smile and she heard her mother’s words. Her charred hope would expect the worst out of Suraj but judging him after a single sentence would only limit her interactions and make her life a monotony.
“Of course it is…I am so glad I ran into you. By the way…did you ever get that vintage Jurassic park collectible?” She responded with a smile remembering something from the past and Suraj threw his head back with a laugh.
“I hope you have cleared the rest of your day because it is quite the story.” Suraj teased.
She smirked accompanying Suraj and introduced him to her parents and after a brief conversation her parents offered to visit a nearby temple as she caught up with Suraj sharing a cake. ‘Not every beginning has to suck…Just like there is a dawn after dusk…greatness might be around the corner’ Kaveri hoped basking in the eudaemonic glow of the evening sun.
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