What did everything mean to me? The picture is always clear. I want to get something more. I want something in life. Always wondering what to do, where to go, whom to tell. Did I ever think of how much I know myself? I am always a quiet person. A person who is strong in the first moment but in the next moment again weak, lost. The moment I realize, I am getting stronger. My next moment tells me to wait, look back, think again and then I realize, I am still at that stage of always acting stronger but in reality soft hearted. It is my nature that I am a soft hearted person. It is not my fault or a bad thing to feel. The society around me makes me believe now that it is not good to be too good to others.
I feel like I am stuck somewhere. Nobody truly understands. I want this in the first moment but in the next moment I want more. I always want more. We are selfish, aren’t we? Every time act like I am okay no matter what happens, I don't feel anything but inside I am dying. Creating meaningless battles with my own in the head but still surviving. Crying in the night but the day heals some part of me not fully but to the extent, I grow. I grow again, fight again and survive again. But sometimes I don’t wanna feel like I am done. I feel like I don’t feel anything anymore. But it feels like I do
I am at the stage of self discovery. I wasn’t heartless; I was made by the society, by the people around me. But it doesn’t last long. It might be for one day… two… three… then again, I become the same teary person because It hurts. The anxiety, depression, tension I carried around. Who cares? I have never shown it to anyone… Who cares how unhappy I am? How worse is the situation I am facing? I am good at hiding… Yes I am. I can’t cry out loud about my pain and talk to everyone. If I am acting there should be anyone who realizes I am suffering but the time in the century it comes not it gets hard. Parents aren’t familiar with the problems of children as for children not too. Everyone is hiding their problems from others.
As time goes on, it becomes harder for them to realize their suffering and to share their problems with others.
I can die in pain rather than telling it to anyone, describing someone I am hurt… My heart hurts too. Who can I tell? The one whom I trust, breaks it so hard that it makes me believe not to trust any one. I am the type who cares for everyone and there is no one who cares for her. I hope to get into a severe accident, I might get hurt too so that I finally get noticed. Like a person who is not a main character in her own story. If a person living a normal life read about it, it will be strange for them, and might be a new concept never heard before. But unfortunately That person, Perhaps is me. Secret is not something everyone is good at keeping… I believe. I have come through such a moment when I realize that Some people don’t deserve love. Love comes through trust and respect so some people deserve love and respect too.
I feel how much I have lost myself. My heart doesn't belong to me. I think I died many years ago, maybe I wasn’t born alive. The pleasant situations, the happy moments… These are all empty feelings. It lasted for a few seconds… minutes then disappeared. Who cares if I don’t care for myself? Who will tell me to breathe… If I forget to breathe. But sometimes… It gets hard too.
I forgot to tell myself… You are enduring more than the potential you have… Take a look at yourself… Your soul is shattering. Your heart is breaking. You are losing your part one by one. In the end nobody stays with me. I know… I have to carry my empty pieces with me. At that moment… Yes, I realize… I am losing myself.
A night… when you are sleeping and your body is begging you to stop living. Want to escape from the world. You breathe heavily. Your pillow wants to get dry… It gets heavy with your tears too. Your blanket acts like the one who hugs you. Don’t want you to cry. I sigh… Hold my mouth. So that nobody hears. I cry… cry… keep yelling. Cover my mouth with my hands so as not to be caught crying. It happens… It is not a normal life we are living. Normal life is to live, eat and die. What if we are dying everyday? It’s worse than anything.
This is the feeling… everyone… and me too carrying around but don’t tell it to anyone because I think no one will understand. Humans are strange I think. They think about themselves the most… they are selfish. But rarely there are those too who… who can feel the pain the other person is carrying with it. You can call such a person the one “Who is losing everything.”
Question yourself: We feel bad when we are hurt but do we feel the same when the other person hurts too?
“Loose changes us but it doesn’t define us.”
The kind Hearted Nature
Pitiable right? What does a kind hearted person demand? Want to make the world a heaven. The best thing to say is that I want to make hell a heaven. I carry the weight of expectation and dreams with me. In my dictionary of hated words I hate “expectation”. Why are you expecting something from me, when I don’t expect anything from myself? I didn’t expect anything from anyone then, why do I have to fulfill everyone’s expectations? The teachers expect children to get good marks. Parents expect their children to be doctors… It's getting more traditional now. The first wish is always a doctor. Children didn’t expect anything regarding this from parents but how? When a child doesn't fulfill a wish then he’s an irresponsible kid… a bad one. But it is neither good for him. He is always called faulty even though he’s not.
Life feels a burden to me. I always carried the weight of expectation with me. Someone expects me to be like this. Someone expects me to be like that. But what do I want to be? I was never asked. Everyday I wake up with the heaviness in my heart. Carry the dreams. I have to fulfill. My heart feels heavy from sadness too. Parents expect from their children, children expect from their parents… But why?
In my whole life, I always want to help everyone. No matter to which extent I go. I was always like this. Making people happy. But in search of making everyone happy I lost myself. I realize it, when I get back in a different way from everyone. They made me believe that I was doing wrong the whole time. I have no control over my nature. I always want everyone around me to be happy. When someone has a big smile on their face because of you… it’s satisfying. Your heart feels relieved. You want to help more…. Make people happier… but there comes such people who make this process hateful. Now, even if you want you didn’t help.
If I saw someone helpless around… I keep praying… keep crying for them. I did. It was my nature. Many have this… I couldn't change myself before. But now the situation has changed. I no longer trust anyone. I am trying to be more heartless day by day… I know sometimes I get weak again but I do.
Demanding a happy life in this world is quite difficult. If you think that I am just talking the shit around then just for a while… pause it… think again. Are you living your dream life? Do you have your dream car? Do you always get everything you wish for? Many of you love to live in the imaginary world created by you… Our imaginary world is always like heaven. Where we are the main character. Where there is no sadness, only happy moments. We keep wandering in our thoughts… keep observing the scenario we create because it is always beautiful. People sometimes lose touch with reality… they are the ones who live in an imaginary world. While sitting on your couch, you are manifesting these moments and whenever these moments come across your mind it makes you happy… for a while but still it makes you happy.
At some point, you feel the emptiness too. Might be it’s not be everyday but someday. Keep struggling and pretending to be strong. Keep fighting alone. These must come such a moment which tells you that there needs to be someone to listen to you. Some friends whom you spend valuable time with. But the broken trust didn’t allow you to make friends again. You have two types of traits. The first one… keep telling you to not be fooled again. Do not make friends again. People are brutal. Don't experience the same things again. The second one… It’s okay to make friends… Sometimes we come across such people who don’t deserve love. Not everyone is the same. You might not come across the same moment. You want to be listened to when you are not listening. Now you’re indulged in your thoughts. You are becoming many personalities in yourself.
The kind hearted nature…. Many of you carry around. At some point you might feel someone who will tell you that it’s not good to be so good. Those people are the evil ones from the whole society. The beggar whom you gave money to is now staring at you. His questioning eyes kept looking at you… Questioning you. But heartlessly you went away every time now even if you don’t want to be. How could you tell him that a person I helped with much money then I gave you, betrayed me.
"A kind heart is a light in the darkness, silently healing the world."
Who Am I Without everything?
For a while, think about it… What are we? Without any identity. Will we be remembered, if we disappeared from the world…. Might be dead? How about possession with material possession or relationships. Will you be remembered by them? For a month… year.. Then will be forgotten. It’s not for you to feel sad over it. It’s natural. It happens all over the world. Even if we don’t want to die we have to when it’s the time. But without this world we are nothing. What are we as compared to the world? But our mindset… our worlds… feelings might get wider than this world.
I think I am a real person without any identity. If i am not recognized as Malaika Nawaz. I think then I am me. Because I have to be Me. I don’t have to pretend. At the time, I was a kind hearted person, which is the real me. But the world… didn’t let me be so I have to become Cold hearted in the next moment. At once I am strong then in the next moment I force myself to be weak. If for a second I have to be the real me in front of people. I will be a different person. I stripped down to a version of myself where I can barely recognize myself.
I look in the mirror sometimes and think; Will it really matter if I die? What will define me if nothing remains behind? It’s a phobia… a fear. And I have it. I am not afraid of death. Whenever I will die. I am okay with myself. I will happily embrace my death. The sooner the best. But if I get forgotten, that hurts. I want to always be remembered.
Either we lose someone or either someone loses it. It’s the fact but it’s not the same. Someone lost us… I am okay with it. But if I lose someone very close to me… I can’t bear it. Maybe I am that’s why it's okay to embrace death… without any regret to live again. I have no purpose. The one who gave a life to me has a right to get it back too.
I think without any identity we are nothing… Without the material we carry around we are nothing too. I guess we are living this life for a very short duration. We come… wander around the world… get hurt… get happy… endure.. During all these events we don’t get a chance to live life.. We came for. At the death bed we recall all the things we did in life and regret that we didn’t do the things that we actually wanted to do.
"Who am I without everything? Perhaps the truest version of myself.”
The Day It All Fell Apart
It is a universal experience. It happens when sometimes you put all your struggle into getting something. You want to buy your favourite Car as an example. Your dream watch. A gift for your loved one. Then, the failure happened. We are strange aren’t we? Nobody welcomes failure as they welcome success. It’s the hard work of your years and millions of seconds you spend on it. Every moment you wish for the same thing. Your imaginations were always filled with the incident of your success. You know one day you will get it. You face every one bravely. You work all day and night for it. But when you don't get it, it leaves you feeling isolated, misunderstood, and broken. You feel so broken that you don’t even know how much you have broken yourself. It’s natural but it hurts.
It can be about the death of your loved one. We all often say. “I will die if something happens to you” It’s not in the romantic way but in a relation of a mother with her daughter or about a sister to her brother or whatever considered in a romantic way too but it’s wrong. I personally don’t believe it and I have a reason too. When someone very close to us dies. We feel lost… but for a while. We feel broken… But for a while. We grieve the pain… But for a while. After a few months.. Few years… we forget. Even if we don’t forget the loss becomes less painful.
We get involved in daily activities, business, relations. Very often we think about the person we lost. And gradually we started to forget his identity and then it came our turn. Who will remember you now? It’s the question. When someone dies you might consider it a last day of your life but then you look at your other relations and you remember you have to live…. Have to survive. That’s how even if you want to end your life… it never ends with the death of someone.
I am not here for you to erase that pain or forget the grief but for you to recall again that how will you move out from it?
And sometimes it does feel like we lost everything but in reality we got new lessons. To live on the earth, is to remember that you are here for learning lessons. You haven't been living here for millions of years that you have experienced… No… You aren’t.
How the world falls for an alone person! It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to be lost. In reality, it’s really good to be alone. But you know once you get comfortable with being alone, on your own. No dealing with no one. You get addicted to it. And then you no longer want anyone. Suppose a person gets separated from the real world to his own world. Consider it as imaginary or whatever but still it is. You once climbed into the river of loneliness. There’s no way back and now by passing more with yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, you get more addicted, more interested in it. That’s how you will not have courage to face the bad in the real world. The evil behavior, the worse statements, these things will hurt you. Gradually the world will become a burden. That’s how you slowly lose people…. Then you…. Then everything… including your soul. The best way to move out is to be real, don’t get delusional about anything. By knowing the fact you have already covered half way.
Let’s talk about a day when you feel, It’s now that I don’t have a grip on anything. I am lost. It’s not just a moment for you but a moment of countless defeat. You glance around the life you spend. Here you find your shattered pieces. You picked them one by one. Don’t let anybody know, clear the tears from your face, put on a fake smile and here you are healed. I often look into the mirror but the girl staring back she’s not me anymore.
I walk step by step forward but it feels like I am leaving my pieces behind one by one too. The things I used to love feels like they don't belong to me anymore. Slowly everything is getting distant from me. Like I am losing everything slowly, including my heart… my soul.
The day when I lose my soul fully will be the last day of life.
Some people died long ago and they were still living. Feeling strange but it is reality. I’m that person. Some people weren’t born alive, the one who never loved at least a single time. An unpleasant child… a boring person. But I discovered myself in this process. I discovered how I can heal myself. How can I be safe if I am isolated? How my intentions were also wrong even though they were not. I try every time to do good but it turns out in a bad way for me. I try to do something good but it always goes wrong. I was always misunderstood. I have never read it to someone. Nobody tries to read me, knows me. If I am silent there might be a storm I am coming through with. We are always judged as a person when we appear in front of people. People never judge the soul, they judge the body… which can be changed at any time. Which has no relation with your feelings or your thoughts. Maybe… that's why nobody falls for their soul.
"The day it all fell apart was the day I discovered the strength hidden in the pieces."
"Flashback of the Struggle"
I've been struggling for months. I’m from years ago. One day I will be a successful person. I will be this or I will be that. For a while take a break and think, who cares if you struggle for real? Who cares if you wake up daily more early than anyone. Who cares if your worth is not recognized? Who cares if you cry for it, if you feel pain in your heart. You become depressed due to it. You fight your anxiety daily. Who cares if you don't succeed? Who knows how much time you listen to these words for yourself that you can’t do it. Who cares? Like literally who cares? The only thing that has value among people is success. The process is very painful. Once you’re successful, who knows how much it takes for you to come there.
I believe in this too, that Our efforts will only be recognized when we succeed in it. Except for success, among people, it’s nothing. Why do I mostly prefer to be alone and take every secret of mine to just me? Let’s take an example. I am a painter. I am trying day by day to get better at it. I cost my time, my strength in it. One day I drew an art of a “Depressed person.” An ugly person in depression. It takes me a few hours, weeks or months to make it. But once I’m done. I'm happy. I want everybody around me to know about it. Then, I show it to people who know nothing about art. What was the first impression I got? What crap! A typical ugly drawing! Something like this. Isn’t it my fault to announce out loud to the people who know nothing about art? That’s why I believe in working hard alone, celebrating it alone, making success alone.
You can tell when it’s done. Your success can silence the mouths of people. It’s not worthy to tell it to the worthless. Yes, announce it but to the people who know the worth. If we don't succeed in something then in front of people we are just someone who didn’t try hard enough. But we made an effort which is not recognized.
The life you once understood is no longer in your control. The phase comes when you look back and realize what to lose now? There’s nothing left. There’s come a moment when the world stops moving but only for you.
The people remain normal, they laugh, love, live while you stand still. It feels like time has betrayed you, left you all alone in your past moments which no longer exist now. Luck, destiny and fate have an interconnected relation with hard work, faith and consistency. I believe that Luck has a relation with everything too. As long as you’re working on it, it’s not enough. You should have a passion for it… a firm belief that yes I can do it. They assured you will. The way you think about it the same it turns out for you. The more negative you are or the more you question yourself how The more difficult it becomes for you. The more it makes you afraid the more you tell it to the people.
"A flashback of struggle is not just a memory—it’s a reminder of how far you’ve come, the battles you’ve won, and the strength that still carries you forward."
Explosion of loss & memories
Losing everything isn’t a loud explosion. It’s slow not steady, a silent not loud erosion of all you left or all that left you. The things start vanishing in front of your eyes from your hands like the slippery sand. No matter how much you try to collect it, it slips away every time. You keep trying a desperate attempt— like a child trying to hold the soap bubbles in his hand but every time he touches it, it bursts. But the child keeps trying even though he knows it will burst again. But as for an adult he realizes at some point that I’m left empty handed.
I believe Memories are cruel. For an example. I met a person. She became my friend. We are every time together; laughing, playing, enjoying, doing fun. We are having the best time of our lives. We endure every pain by sharing with each other. We celebrate our birthdays every happy day with each other. We are genuine and don’t let anyone break our friendship nor let anyone come between us. Here goes our 2 years, 5 years memories. Now her true self is revealed in front of me. She wasn’t my welfare. She did the worst for me. She was always fake in front of me. Perhaps she insulted me. Perhaps she talks shit about me. Perhaps all the time she was with me due to any reason. Now I am not understanding what she became. Like someone changes their color. Humans change colors too. Every person has different colors. The one they actually have, the one they show to society and the one they show to people around them.
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