" Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real."
This quote by McCarthy is how I believe most of us would feel in quiet moments we rarely notice. Everyday as we rush through the same routines something new inevitably finds its way in. Like the blotch of coffee on the small spot on our shirt from last week or the dye stain from doing the laundry wrong or how suddenly something a friend said triggered an emotionally vulnerable memory as a child. We all carry our pasts physically and emotionally with us everyday.
This, I feel is the major reason why people move cities when the pasts intertwining with the present overwhelms them, they move. New rooms ,new clothes ,new people, new memories to temporarily replace what the past has made us. I say temporarily because the person that we have been doesn't disappear. Its like a scar you have from childhood that will always be a part of you- faded yet permanent. I haven't moved cities in the truest sense but I have experienced the feeling of being away from home for short spans.
That's when I felt the awful weight of all my experiences, how they shaped me for better or for worse it oscillates. Lately, I lean toward the latter. Being in a different city meant not being scrutinized not hearing " You are usually not like this" " Why are you doing this?" It meant being myself, unapologetically without any explanation. I could just be, just exist.
I remember one morning in the new city. When I had woken up late one weekend and my friends asked if we could go for breakfast and I immediately said yes to my own surprise. I absolutely loathed spontaneous plans or at least I thought I did. But that morning I hopped into the auto without overthinking. I was smiling the entire ride the wind cool against my face and the smell of filter coffee and dosa wafted through the air when the auto came to a standstill by the bustling shop. Looking back, that day unintentionally taught me something, that change , even the one I resisted so much can be good. For once, unfamiliarity brought me comfort.
And with these experiences I understood every single person wanting to move cities to be rid of their pasts. However, surely after this I did change. Friends and family tell me I have learnt to say yes to things or at least try to , my rigidity softer I myself can feel the lines blurry too. I had boxes ticked in scribble pads, color coded sticky notes and a planned day or week or month or even a year. I had calls written down ,whom to call and when. It made me feel peaceful.
But in the quiet of my own room as I watch my own reflection I miss my past self she was always in all ways content. She had control in a world where everything feels out of place. I feel protective of her when I think of how much she isn't liked for her ways because she carried so much when no one noticed. I hear people only talk about how much they hated "how it was" but I deeply miss the simpler times. I might have changed and everyone thinks its better that I am not so uptight anymore with my to do lists and schedules. But deep down no matter how much I try to change, move , reinvent or transform myself I will always be her. I am proud of her and the marks she left behind and I can only hope one day she'd be proud of the person I have become too.
Today I love all of my perfect imperfections or at least I try to. I have people around me who love all versions of me. They may not fully understand my ways or the quiet rules I live by but we are all learning to accept each other as we are. For that, I am ever grateful -their patience, kindness, and unwavering belief in me, even on my hardest days.
For anyone reading this who feels any version of themselves isn't loved or seen and only moving or reinventing themselves is the key to it, I hope you find some comfort in knowing that some of us change out of needs, to survive , some of us change out of wants. neither is wrong. That doesn't mean your past is something to be ashamed of or discarded. Its a testament to everything you have endured and survived.
Proudly wear that person because they stood by you and carried you when no one else did.
Learn from your mistakes, apologize and build lovely relationships that will help you grow and develop into the best version of yourself.
React
