'Change is hard at first, messy in the middle but gorgeous at the end' - Robin Sharma
Every once in a while, life drops an unexpected message into your life — not the digital kind, but the soul-whispering kind. The kind you don’t notice at first. Mine came bright and early one sleepy Saturday morning, after years of waiting, praying, bargaining, and eventually sitting on the brink of giving up hope.
That part of me had grown too tender, too bruised. My days moved on, filled with work, friends, to-do lists, and the quiet acceptance that some dreams simply aren’t meant for everyone. And then… it happened.
Two faint lines. I blinked. Rubbed my eyes. Checked again. I had taken this test before, so many times and it was always followed by the same quiet heartbreak. But this time, something was different. This time, the universe whispered a YES!! Could it actually be!? I sat there holding the smallest message to the biggest miracle in my life and was too scared to move. Scared that if I shook the test or yelled too loudly in excitement, it would vanish into thin air.
But walking out of the bathroom that morning, test in hand, I walked out into a whole new world! Where colors were brighter, smells were richer and life would never be the same again. And while I thought I was ready, nothing could have prepared me for the transformation that followed. Because this wasn’t just a change. It was a complete re-invention. A covert mission, if you will. But I’m here to tell my story. Of where I went. Who I became. And how one little message turned my entire world beautifully upside down.
Let me take you back to when it all began ...
Around the time of my disappearance, I innocently played a part in an ‘under-the-cover’ operation. As a result of which, I had to be placed in the Witness Protection Program (WPP). The covert operation was classified under the file name - ‘Motherhood’, to throw off any suspicions.
Now I have read tons of novels and watched even more movies to know just how detailed these witness protection programs can get … but let me tell you, this was nothing like they show in the movies!
Everything changed!!
At the time I was working as a Senior Training Specialist with a corporate organization and they changed my title to that of – Mother. They even changed my name from Diahann Carroll to MOM! They decided that instead of changing my location of residence, they would give me a makeover of massive proportions, I didn’t even recognize myself when they were done!!
I had to put on the weight … my grey hair, had to be cut since it had started falling with all the changes… baggy eyes from sleepless nights... terrible backaches... exhaustion. They even did a psychological revamp on my memory … where now I had the memory of a sieve and needed lists upon lists to get anything done!!
Even my wardrobe was reworked... I had to actually move from wearing clothes that were fashionable to comfortable! Heels to flats (oh the horror)! Jewellery was down to just the bare necessities and nothing dangling or that could easily come loose. All my expensive and fabulous handbags had to be put into storage for later and was instead replaced with this thing called a "Diaper Bag"!!
Places in the house like the Kitchen, where I barely spent anytime, was the ONLY place that saw me the most! Grocery store shopping events was my new chill out zone... where a discount or bargain sale on food, toys and clothes was my highlight moment!
To help me through the transition process they assigned an agent to partner with me. She would go wherever I would go, to make sure that the identity worked. She is this tiny, 2 foot, hyperactive little girl who is constantly on the go and talks a mile a minute! Her name is Agent Hannah Bree. It took us some time to adjust to each other considering the language gap – every time I said not to do something, she did it and every time I said to DO something, she didn’t!!
Initially I was so thrown off with all the changes that I did not look after myself very well, but then my agent made sure I always got the exercise I needed … chasing her around the house, dancing, visiting the local soft play parks and staying alert for accidental slips and trips. She also helped maintain my mental acumen with practicing numbers, nursery rhymes, colors, puzzles … just your average basic stuff.
It was only recently that at my last progress report to the WPP Team that they decided (with the consultation of my assigned agent) that I was ready to try and step out into the world again and see how I would handle things on my own. My agent would step away from my side for a few hours everyday to attend to business at the local nursery and then report back to assess my improvements. But I needed to test the waters first … I was still unsure of myself.
Would other women classified as ‘mothers’ accept how I had handled the role?
Would I be able to hold a coherent conversation with other adults without reaching for a drool cloth?
Would I be able to withstand the pressures to constantly cleaning up around me, even though I was in the presence of others?
So, here I am—no longer undercover, but forever changed. The mission may have started with a surprise message and a two-foot whirlwind named Agent Hannah Bree, but it’s far from over. Every day still brings a new plot twist, a new version of myself that I’m learning to understand and embrace.
I may not have it all figured out (some days, just remembering to wear ALL my clothes and remembering to eat feels like a win), but I do know this: The Woman I was, the Mother I am, and the Person I’m still becoming — All deserve a seat at the table.
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