I sat on the hostel floor, drenched in sweat and tears, asking myself the one question 'how did I get here?' Alone. Heartbroken.
I lived most of my life away from India and was raised by parents who lived most of their lives among big families, culture, tradition and a place where opinions of the society were given more value than your own. So now stepping out from the big world into a small world, my parents wanted to keep all these aspects alive. Each and every one of them. I loved the small world we made. My parents were my world, they would do everything (within reason) for me, and I would too, most of the times.
Since there was no option of an all-girls school my parents had to put me in a co-ed school. They hated the thought of their girl being in the presence of boys. Not like that made a difference to me. I had my share of boy best friends and boyfriends (three to be exact). I till date believe I did love them, in a way I could have for the age I was in, anyway that is a story for another day.
During my school days, I had few of my cousins do inter-caste and inter-religion marriages which boiled my parents blood and made three very important rules.
1. CULTURE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT – so no love marriage business
2. Eventually trying to be woke parents – love marriage is ok as long as the boy is Brahmin and from our community
3. DON’T LET OUR HEADS HANG LOW – which also turned into – THERE ARE PEOPLE WAITING FOR US TO FALL, you must not become a cause of that.
There were many rules but I am not getting into that.
Regardless, I did date because the rush felt amazing, the need to get the external love, validation, fairy tale, and romantic comedies made me keep going down the path. I fell in love; I had crushes, I basically loved love. Or now that I think about it, I guess I just liked the chase.
But another feeling accompanied all this - guilt, it was heavy, I tried to bypass it and focus on the other feelings as much as a teenager could but it wasn’t easy handling it which then led me to do so much of drama, it all seems silly now.
And then came college. I was on Indian soil with a bit more freedom than I had at home.
I walked into college already in a relationship with a long-time crush and friend but that came apart due to long distance and we realised we were better off as friends.
I made many mistakes during my college life, maybe even hurt a few friends, made dumb and regrettable choices but I did learn a lot and through it all stayed one man. The man I thought I would marry.
We started off as friends then study buddies leading us to become best friends and then we started dating. He did everything for me, even the things I didn’t ask for. His only goal was to keep me happy, and I loved that. Obviously, all this was hidden from my parents. Guilt become a part of my soul now.
In school I wasn’t able to handle guilt, it was choking, sat on my chest like a heavy stone and I couldn’t move it but now, she was walking with me because I had made reasons that this wasn’t wrong. I didn’t break their rules.
He was brahmin except his parents were inter-religion, but I didn’t think that would matter, right?
He was good, honest man, who only helped. He was a little emotionally dysregulated but who isn’t.
As our time in college was ending, things started to get real in my house. It was marriage time. I was still waiting to tell because he had to get a job so I couldn’t rush it. So, between both parents I decided to start with my mom first. I thought she would support me because she had met him several times and even liked him. But things went downhill fast. She said no. That my father would break. That his family wasn’t right. That I had betrayed us all.
Then things got quiet. A year went by until the topic of marriage came again. This time I had no clue what was happening. During this period my grandfather (a big loss) had passed away and we were to meet for his 1-year death anniversary. My parents flew down and I took an overnight train journey from the place I had just started my post-graduation. The rituals were done, and I went for a nap, I woke up to my dad asking me to get ready because “some of his friends” were coming.
I didn’t really bother; I just washed my face and sat, not knowing that the parents of a prospective groom were going to visit.
That evening went as a blur. The next morning, I left and so did my parents.
I couldn’t digest what had happened. I couldn’t understand what my parents had done, especially my mother. It was funny how they made the rules and stuck to them for me when I had broken it ages ago because honestly, it didn’t feel right.
I spoke with my boyfriend the next day, telling him to prepare his parents and I called mine.
I spoke to my dad. Strangely his reaction was calm, he told me he’d speak with him, match our horoscopes and if it seems good then we continue.
Aaah, the beautiful feeling of hope and even more relaxing was telling bye to the guilt, because I wasn’t hiding anything from them anymore.
But just like a movie, the next day came the ultimate twist of my life.
My dad point blank said no. My mother had a dream of her father giving her a sign that this marriage will not work and my dad who couldn’t bear to see his wife break so he decided to break his daughter.
He spoke to my boyfriend and his father explaining the situation which his father also understood and my boyfriend didnt exactly fight it, he told my parents that he would be ok with whatever I decided.
It was all on me now.
I spent the first month of my postgrad crying on the phone, with my parents, fighting with him. Every day. And I don't even want to get into what was going in my postgrad life, it was not easy.
There I was in a completely new place, in a 2 by 2 room sharing a washroom with a neighbour, in a sticky hot climate, on the floor, dehydrated, hungry, physically and mentally bruised. I felt alone. Felt the feeling to the core of its meaning. No one was coming to save me. No miracles were going to happen. I had to fight this or give up.
I did have a friend or 2, they were new but they were there.
I tried to explain to my parents, about his family, how maybe I can make it better, and about how we love each other and both of us being professionally compatible but no. People were waiting for my parents to fall in society and if I did this people will look at them badly. I would become another disobedient child who broke her parents hurt.
And the nail on the head was - my sibling.
That her life will become difficult, they will constantly doubt her and not let her have peace.
After about 2 weeks of my parents talking, him talking and his father talking (who was very chill, he suggested I put everything on hold and see how things are after 6 months. Even tell the prospective groom a maybe answer and just wait) I felt I was slipping. The capacity and fight in me was reducing, I felt I was fading away and then I broke it.
I’m probably the villain of the story, I do not know but I chose me for the first time. I chose to feel peace.
The prospective groom chosen for me, was a gentleman straight as an arrow, introverted, who had a compatible profession, older than me by 3 years, huge nerd but most importantly a brahmin from my community.
He initiated the conversation between us, and I was absolutely rude to him, but he kept his composure. He was patient, he waited. I understood I couldn’t throw this on another person who had no idea what I was going through. I wasn't even able to tell my best friends didn’t know what exactly happened. It took me months to open up about it.
She was back with me. My guilt. I had broken his heart, the man who loved me, I chose my family over him, and I was his whole life. She walked with me, every time my prospect made me smile, she would remind me of her presence. Every time I spoke about it or heard about him, she would be there stabbing me, the pangs of which I could feel.
I blocked him from everything. Even the groups we both were part of (which were a lot) I left. 7 years of relationship, I ended it because the guilt was heavy. A guilt bred and fed for the past 10 years which I couldn’t handle and I finally I gave up.
Now 3 years later, retrospectively maybe it was for the better. I realised that we were in a toxic relationship and the toxicity was me. I didn’t celebrate his wins, if he scored more than me in tests, I was sad. I was selfish and didn’t look ahead enough. I did not grow as a person and maybe even brought out the worst parts of him.
The last I heard he was with someone almost two or three months after our breakup. This information brought me peace over anything.
I might seem weak, didn’t fight for our love but I chose my piece of mind over everything.
I married my prospective groom; he turned out to be the best thing to happen to me.
I felt changes within myself with him. I was facing my traumas, learning about myself, I spoke about my past before our marriage which he listened and understood. He was happy I opened up to him.
I fell in love head over heels for this big hearted, soft spoken, and modest man and I decided to become the best version of myself for him and me.
I mean, he made me fall in love with me.
My parents were prouder than ever that I married him, the marriage had almost 800 -1000 guests. They still feel that pride regardless of whatever I achieved in my life after because with this one decision I made, I had satisfied all the three rules.
So, in this story the unbreakable rule eventually stayed unbroken.
